The pain I felt on that warm September day is truly one that I’ve never felt before. This time was different, this time it was over for good and I felt it in my soul. My soul felt empty, sad, it was missing its best friend—it was missing a limb. It’s hard to walk without your ankle, and so many times I went back and got my crutches although I was aware that Dan, my crutches, was also the cause of not being able to walk. I loved Dan with all my heart, soul, every inch of my body—but I was finally fed up with everything he put me through and it was time to walk, alone, no matter how hard the path was in front of me. It was very evident that I was tired of feeling like a ghost. Not important enough to be seen by Dan’s peers, not important enough to be a part of his life. Always feeling like no one could see me even though there was no reason for me not to be included in things. In my heart I knew that I treated Dan so well and got nothing in return that one day he would realize I am the one that got away. Or to him, perhaps, the ghost that got away.   

            Everyone has a price they are willing to pay and a limit they are willing to reach. I can honestly say Dan is the first person I truly loved, almost from the moment I met him. But the price I was willing to pay for love started to not be worth it anymore. Mental hospitals, Rikers Island, constant disappointment, constant rejection, constant hurt, constant pain. There came a time when I realized I didn’t want to let go, but what pain would be worse; the pain I felt every time he let me down, or left me out, or chose his friends over me? Or the pain of losing the person I loved so much? He had done so many hurtful things over the course of time we were involved, but lying to me about his weekend plans and then finding out on Instagram that he went away with a bunch of 22 year old girls overnight was the last amount of injury and pain I was going to allow him to cause me. Rejection is probably the most discomforting feelings I have ever felt, seriously, in my entire life. Feeling left out, not good enough, and not understanding why, has caused the deepest wounds my soul has ever encountered. I wish I walked away sooner. I wish I didn’t place my life savings in bets that he would change. That I was good enough that he would change. Because he won. He took everything from me. All my happiness, motivation, confidence, charm, is now in his possession. And now I have to build up myself from the floor.

            The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I always wanted the best for Dan. I always wanted him to be the best version of himself possible. It turned me on when he had moments, very few moments, where he was focused on his well-being. Every time he mapped out a focused week ahead of him, and then called him to find he was at the bar instead I felt an overwhelming amount of disappointment. I had changing to do too, but he was my rock and I wanted to work towards positive versions of ourselves together. He told me that’s what he wanted too, but I now don’t think he will ever change. He doesn’t know that every night before I go to sleep I pray for him to find happiness, because I don’t think he is happy—he is, in fact, so unhappy that he chose to take every ounce of MY happiness I had from me. He doesn’t know that every moment I am not keeping busy and my mind drifts and thinks and wonders what he is up to I cry, not because I miss him even though I do, but because I feel so sad for him because I want HIM to be stronger, I want him to be as strong as I am being. He told me once that it is easy to be weak. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but once I succeed and heal these wounds, I will be able to do anything.

            One day I will meet a man who wants me to meet his family, who wants me to hang out with his friends, who wants to spend his weekends with me. One day I will meet a man who doesn’t pretend I am a ghost, invisible. One day I will be important enough—I AM important enough—to not be left out, to not constantly feel jealous of people solely for one reason, they have one thing that I don’t have, the person I love’s respect and priority level. One day I will be someone’s priority and I won’t feel like a joke. One day I will be happy again, and one day he will realize that no woman will ever love him the way I did. One day he will realize I wasn’t invisible and he shouldn’t have made me feel that I was.