PART ONE

After having a discussion with a friend about how stigmatized alcoholism is, I decided to write a piece that can hopefully help non-alcoholics, and alcoholics alike, understand that alcoholism isn’t a one size fits all disease. It comes in many forms & regardless of how mild or severe the problem is, each individual comes from their own story of how they got to the present.

About a year ago, I was running late for a Friday night meeting. At the time I had a crush on someone in the meeting, so I dressed up nicer than usual, with makeup & even a little perfume. I decided to get an uber in order to get there in time. As we were getting close to where the meeting was, the uber driver was like, “meeting up with your friends tonight?” I didn’t want to come out and say what my real plans were, but also did not want to lie– so, I responded, “Yeah.” He smiled and said, “Some dinner, couple of glasses of wine & then the club right?”

“I don’t drink.”

He, probably thinking that I must be just taking a break from alcohol, responded, “yeah, I’ve been cutting down on drinking, sometimes the hangover just isn’t worth it.”

“I actually don’t drink at all, I’m on my way to an AA meeting.” I blurted out, now he looked completely shocked.

 “But you look normal?”

“A lot of people do, I am sure you pass people every day who are in recovery and you wouldn’t even know it.” At this point, he looked like the wheels were really turning, no pun intended, I could see it in his eyes.

I got out of the uber and went on my merry way to my Friday night hot spot, an AA meeting. I wonder what the uber driver had been thinking. Maybe that I “don’t look like an alcoholic,” or maybe the fact that a person doesn’t have to look like an alcoholic to be an alcoholic. Whatever he was thinking, he clearly looked uncomfortable once I said I was in AA. I understand that there is this notion of “what an alcoholic should look like,” but, that idea usually defines alcoholism with negative words, conclusions, & assumptions to describe alcoholics. It often puts all alcoholics or people who struggle with alcohol under a blanket statement. One of the reasons why people hold these assumptions may simply be because they aren’t educated on the subject of alcoholism and recovery. A lot of people think they are, but often it comes from what they see on tv & what you learn about in school (which only talks about all the bad things, not the good parts of recovery). The fact of the matter is, recovered alcoholics can do pretty amazing things once they get their shit together. On the other spectrum is this myth that, just because a person has their shit together on the outside, doesn’t mean they don’t have a hidden struggle of active alcoholism—these people are called functional alcoholics.

Alcoholism is a disease where sometimes you can tell a person is suffering from it, & sometimes you cannot. Unlike a lot of other diseases, however, people often lack empathy towards alcoholism– like it is a choice to be alcoholic. It is not a choice at all, and perhaps if there was less stigma and generalizations surrounding it, maybe it would be easier, for some, to not be embarrassed to get help. The beautiful thing about recovery is that it is a process that heals you from the inside out. Once you start to get well on the inside, the things a person can achieve on the outside are limitless.

Everyone has their own depiction of what it means to be an alcoholic, whether it be stereotypical versions based on what they see in the movies or not. Before recovery, my concept was a mix of what I saw depicted on tv, homeless people begging on the subways, & my dad. My very first meeting was way before I got sober. I went to this meeting in Boston; the crowd was close to my made-up vision of what I knew to be an alcoholic. It was older men, who were the biker type, in leather vests, etc. I was the only female and youngest person in this room. To this day I remember that the person qualifying told this crazy story; part of it entailed of getting so wrecked that he ended up with a stripper, under a bridge, smoking out of a crack pipe for the first time. I hadn’t yet hit a very deep bottom yet, so this story of where alcoholism took this man was scary…but not enough to get me scared straight. I still continued to drink in a way that I labeled “college drinking.” This was what you were supposed to do in your college years, this was my rite of passage. However, it wasn’t college drinking, it was alcoholism.

Which brings me to my first misconception: “in order to be an alcoholic you have to drink every day, depend on alcohol to function, & it is the first thing you drink in the morning.”

Nope. Not true. There are different categories of alcoholic drinking patterns. Like I mentioned previously, alcoholics come in different forms; some are mild & some are more severe, and everywhere in between. Regardless of how often someone drinks, one thing that makes a person an alcoholic is, after that first drink, there is no telling what can happen. Will you drink and have a good time and get home safely or will you get black out and not remember part of the night? These questions can be answered in an array of combinations, and you still might be able to conclude if there is an issue or not. Yes, there are some people who drink every day, but that is not one factor that either proves or disproves a person is alcoholic. Some people who drink less frequently, but still get uncontrollable with their drinking, whenever they do touch alcohol, may try and normalize their alcoholism as a drinking problem— because that sounds better than the word alcoholic. Society today normalizes heavy drinking especially now with social media, toxic drinking becomes a joke; in turn this makes those who have an issue with alcohol, have an easier time denying that they have a problem. Denial can come in different form, one way is through excuses.  A lot of people, including myself, tend to rationalize their drinking or blame others for their drinking to excuse bad behavior or get worried peers off their back. One excuse may sound like “oh, it was so stupid of me to drink on an empty stomach…” Oh, the excuses & lies can be endless. Sometimes it works, and sometimes people smile & nod, but can see right through your lie. There are different type of drinkers. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can show mild to severe symptoms depending on the individual. Alcoholism can be a hidden addiction, which ties into the rationalization part. One way to hide addiction is by isolating oneself and becoming an at-home drinker. Knowing that if someone knows the disease is present, might mean they try and offer help—the horror! Alcoholism causes people to do things that they would not normally do, some consequences are more severe than others, which is why some alcoholics ask themselves, because they haven’t reached a true rock bottom or gotten into real trouble, are they really an alcoholic? That’s for the individual to decide, no alcoholic is going to receive and take in the help they need until they are ready. Some are functioning alcoholics & some are not. The fact is, alcohol is robbing all alcoholics of something.

Next Misconception: “I don’t feel bad for alcoholics, because they have the choice ”  

Yes, we do technically hold the drink up to our mouths and swallow down our poison of choice, but until we get help, we don’t exactly have that choice. Nobody who is an alcoholic grew up thinking, “Dang, I want to be an alcoholic when I grow up, throw my entire life away, treat people like shit, & embarrass myself publicly on a constant basis.” Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. Often there are other mental illness problems that go hand-in-hand with alcoholism. Depression is a common example of this, but there are plenty of other common mental health issues that may be present, depending on the individual. I often would drink more problematically if I was depressed, anxious or upset about something. I would drink to self-medicate because I didn’t know what else to do. It’s ironic that I would try to get rid of anxiety and depression with alcohol, a substance that makes you more depressed & anxious! There is something in most alcoholic brains that find some sort of comfort in drinking, even if we know the consequences can be detrimental to our friends, family, work, & health. Whether it be numbing pain, feeling more confident, not knowing how to work through uncomfortable feelings, etc…this list goes on & on. This is a disease that has no cure, the only treatment, really, is to not drink. whether a person decides to use a recovery program or go cold turkey, is their decision to make. I know for me, it is possible to go cold turkey, but I prefer being held accountable for my sobriety as well as the process of being in recovery. For many, making the choice to not drink can be overridden by your brain playing tricks on you, or life unfolding in difficult ways & not knowing how to deal with it appropriately. Without support and tools to ignore the lies your brain tells you (i.e. this time I think I can really drink safely). Support is, for many, the only chance a person has at not giving in. And even with support, it can be difficult. Now imagine alcoholics with no support, no tools on how to stop drinking– now their chance to stop drinking instantly becomes even slimmer.

I remember after my lowest bottom, someone I had gone to college with had sent around the footage of me in one of my worst moments. Any person with an ounce of empathy could see that I was clearly in pain. His choice was to send it and laugh at my expense, I do not know how many people he sent that too. It’s important to remember that people who laugh at people in pain, says more about them then it does of the person they are mocking. At that time in my life, before I even knew about that, I literally did not want to live on this earth anymore. Making fun of an alcoholic is cruel, just like any person struggling, you do not know the pain they are carrying.

Please email me any generalizations you have about alcoholism or any misconceptions! Would love to clear these up using what I have learned & personal experience.

If you are struggling with addiction of any kind please visit https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline or call their hotline at 1800-622-help